All I hear about these days is how bad the economy is.
There are very few things that make me want to go 'possum stranglin, but the whining complaints people make about the economy sure push me toward the edge; "Oh! When will the recession be over?", "We're going downhill", "I done can't pay mah chil'e s'pote."
... Die, rodent!
The truth is: if you are the one spewing this garbage, then you don't know how to budget your living.
Theres the horror word; BUDGET. Everyone thinks of it like some last resort. In truth, budgeting is as simple as 10 easy steps.
So ridiculously easy, you probably wont even notice a difference in your lifestyle.
The 10 Steps:
1) Flux your Power.
This one is so stupidly "no brainer", its almost not worth mentioning. If you have the energy to unplug your stupid TV, dvr, VCR, (or grandpas life support) at night, you'll save at least $100 a year. "But West, then my clock on my VCR wont be set!" Quiet, bozo. Thats what your Blackberry is for. You don't even know how to set a VCR clock in the first place. No one does.
2) Get a Nightshift at Walmart
Obviously you are too dumb to actually formulate your own answers, which is why instead of working for extra money by doing NOTHING right now, you are reading my webpage to help you get some ideas. Walmart is the largest chain in America. If they aren't hiring, we're really boned.
On the subject of easy jobs where you do nothing, Abercrombie and Fitch! Guess how I know? If you are remotely good looking (or ugly and ethnic) and you like folding clothes, go apply. Tell them I sent you :)
3) Garage Sales, eBay, Sell off your Shit!
Do you feel a mixed reaction on this one? You should be asking "Wessssst! Nobody buys things in a RECESSION!"
Shut up, dufus. No matter HOW poor we are, we're still Americans. That means we are consumerists, and always looking for a deal. eBay and Garage sales are perfect opportunities to do this.
Additionally, look to other countries for strong consumer spending. Theres probably a guy in Germany who wants your "Snuggie" or your "ChiaObama", and will pay you a shitload for it.
Let's not forget China. You remember how we were paying for little chinese babies to adopt a couple years back? Yeah, well now THEY are in the market for a little Anglo baby... time to call up your girlfriend, you guys have some work to do!
4) No More Banking!
Why put your money in a savings account to accumulate 5 cents every 15 years??? Fuck that, withdraw all your money and bring it home. For one it will look really cool having it all in one place, you can put it into a kiddie pool and swim in it!
Secondly, by Americans removing their revenue from banks, it won't allow them to loan money to assholes who dont deserve it. Thats what made the housing market bust in the first place!
5) Stop Paying Your Heating Bills
This one may sound extreme, but hear me out. The average monthly heating bill in the U.S. last year at this time was $371. Now, the currancy of the U.S. has enough energy in it through its chemicals to generate 7X the amount of heat than is generated through normal paper!
Heres the solution: for about $50 dollars LESS per month than you are paying now, you can burn your $1 bills, ensuring two things; One is that your family will stay warm (a woodstove is essential for maximizing the generated heat), Two is that with less currency floating, the more it will be worth on global markets!
That means you helped end the recession!
6) Adopt a Pet!
Incredible, huh? Many people thought that having a pet is a burden on their income. Many pets are being given to NPO's, like the SPCA, who in turn put more and more horrible commercials on the air fading between beaten animals and Sarah McLachlan's rapidly deteriorating countenance.
So often are these commercials played, that sometimes I have difficulty seeing the difference between Sarah McLachlan and a beaten dog.
Despite that, adopting MULTIPLE (that means more than one) pet can actually be a fiscal benifit to your family. In reality they don't eat so much, they provide much love and affection, and if times get hard enough, they provide emergency rations that can last your family WEEKS.
And by putting the SPCA out of a job by adopting strays, it means less donations to that organization, and more money to relief efforts where HUMANS need them most!
7) Go Homeless
Now I understand that this means different things in different places. I have a friend named Seth who is homeless on Maui right now, and totally lives the life. He works when he needs to, and at night he sleeps under a palm tree on the beach.
Seth probably wouldn't be alive right now if he were homeless in Chicago, on account his beard is so thin, and he doesn't own a single shirt. But if you can, do. Its totally workable, the next tips will assist you, should you try homelessness.
8) STEAL
"West, that's wrong!" Yes. Yes it is. It is morally a poor thing to do. This is why you must only steal from large chains of stores with weak theft prevention policies. Many stores have detectors on the doors, but their employees aren't allowed to follow you off the premises.
This means if you don't turn back, you got away scott free (perhaps a reference to scott peterson, who incidentally did NOT get away at all.)
9) Use Alternate Fuel for your Car
So a lot of people still believe the rumor that sugar ruins your gas tank. Its a lie. UNDILUTED sugar (i.e. cubes) can do damage to your car because the molecules are curerently in a compacted, solid state. However, when used in liquid form (corn/maple syrups, molasses, etc), or when highly granulated (confectioners sugar) combining the high energy output of sugar with ordinary gasoline can attain far higher octane ratings and burn more efficiently than normal unleaded alone (can you say Ethanol?) Example: Studies have shown that combining gasoline with an octane rating of 85 (the lowest legal level in the US) with your locally bought pure maple syrup boosted combustion from an 85 all the way to a 90! (that's higher than most Plus gasolines, who no one buys anyway, but yeah). This means improved fuel mileage and fewer emmissions.
If you are homeless and HAVENT been doing this, you need to go steal some confectioners sugar from Safeway, and pour in half a box of sugar for each FULL tank of gas you buy. I tried this method on my '97 Taurus and I got nearly 120 miles MORE off a tank.
10) Use Public Facilities.
Theres almost no other choice. When you are homeless, you still need to shower, poop, and check the internet. Public Parks and Library's are excellent for this. Most library's offer free cards, with them you can surf the net from 8 am til 4:30 pm, while taking poop breaks and stealing food off trees.
At beach parks there are usually showers, and nobody really minds if you get butt naked to wash off in them. For the bathrooms, make sure every 8 or nine poops to completely miss the toilet. Drop your deuce on the side of a wall if you have to, but it will give the parks and rec guys more work, which means more jobs, which means an economic fix operating just like the New Deal programs, like the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC).
All because you pooped on a wall...
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West Lockwood 2009